Pink Saturday

Hadn't worked on the weekend for quite a while now. Today I am in the office. It was a productive day; it is a good day.

I wanna grieve over the breakup of a friend's 12-year-old relationship, but I don't. I am not scared. I am not hopeful. I don't expect things to go one way or the other. I am happy right now and that is what matters.

Naked

Nudity doesn't scare me. It's just skin and flesh. So what? Don't we all have the same?

Blogging is different. It's an exposure to your inner thoughts and emotions.

How brave are you to be truly naked?

Time

Remember reading Shakespeare's sonnets about time in college. I thought they were quite depressing. I didn't understand why time and age could even be the topics to write about. Don't you have other subjects(love, a beautiful lady, summer) to write and other things better to do? Now I understand and I am blogging about time too:)

Have been at Tellme for 4 years now. I gave myself 5 years max to work in software industry when I first graduated. It all adds up. I spend 4 years in college telling myself EECS is not all that bad. Now I am no longer 18. It's time to have family and kids(no, not really:). When do I get to do the things I want to do?

I think one morning, when I woke up with a loving husband next to me, and noisy little monsters jumping on our bed, I would be happy. I am happy now as a matter of fact. I am able to help out my parents, go on vacations, and learn new things at work. Even in college, I got myself into computer animation research and had a blast there.

The problem is it's not all that bad.

When I first got here, I wanted to be a teacher and go to the rural countryside of China to teach the poor children. I wanted to join red cross and go to Africa for a while to build houses. I also wanted to learn computer graphics, be a designer, work in the advertising industry. Now I wanna bake and have my own breakfast place. I want to do many things.

I was taught not to just live for yourself, but provide value to the society. I would like to live the noble life, but I am also practical. I won't be a hero, but I am not a coward either. I know what I need to do next...

Bing :)

I don't like drama. I don't like anything destructive. I have a good life, and I need to enjoy every minute of it.

I miss blogging

Bug emails is popping out left and right, but I don't care, at least for now. I haven't blogged since Paris. I had attempted a couple of times, but interruptions, always interrupted.

I have been good. My schedule has been sane. Sometimes I work overtime, but compared to previous years, it's reasonable. I am afraid to say, I don't have a drive. I wanted a year for just personal life. I have what I wanted, but I am not sure if I feel enough.

I don't know what's next thing to do. There is nothing in particular that motivates me to change. It won't be long though. I know myself. I don't sit still for too long.

I love Mr. PAM :)

???!!!...

I kinda wanna slap myself in the face, hit my head with a brick, pinch my arms until they turn purple, and punch my cheeks until they become balloons.

I also should knock all my teeth out and lose all my eyelashes.

I take that back...

Maybe it was about sex. Unfortunately I didn't find it as enjoyable as I was with someone that I love. I can't be the Samantha from Sex and the City, and I am more than OK with it :)

I wanna say don't judge me, but I understand even if you do. I am who I am. I don't do harm to people, at least not intentionally. I only have one life to live, and I am living it just the way I want it.

p.s. I am not gay, either. I can't be even if I tried... :)

Take my brutal honesty and know that I can live with it.

It is what it is...

I was gonna name it "ready for love", then this title came to mind at the last minute. I prefer spontaneity than detailed planning most of the time:)

yes, it's another posting about love. I am in Paris. I can't help it:) Can I tell you I was hurt and then I was scared? The little fling with K two years ago had a bigger impact on me than I expected. I lost a little faith, actually a lot of it. How is something that used to be so beautiful can become ugly overnight? I don't know; I can't explain it. I didn't lose my trust about men, but about myself. Apparently my instinct led me to the wrong path. What can you believe and who can you trust?

Now I can look back and think about the past as a matter of fact. I don't feel anything about it anymore and I don't care to figure out what happened. One thing I know is I have been purposely hiding myself. I don't go hang out with people as often; I avoid any dating potential. I have to admit that I have been pampering myself with gifts and wonderful vacations. But I chose to be alone.

Then there was the involvement with R and R. It wasn't love; it wasn't sex; it was more of an experiment to push the limit. It seemed risky to take a chance with people like them, but deep inside I know I am safe. As pathetic as it sounds, I know who they are and I know how to protect myself from them. Knowing that prevented me from giving my heart. It also shielded me from potentially getting hurt again. They were great company, but I didn't love them, neither do I hate them.

Then I just avoided anybody. It was a great time to reconnect with myself and re-establish the trust within me. I am not gonna hide anymore. I am ready to welcome whatever comes in my way. The difference is I am wiser and stronger. I am not totally against aging after all :)

I heart Paris...