Filoli

Filoli means fight, love, live. I don't wanna fight anymore. I can only love and live.

I tried to meditate twice today. The first time I was pressured to take the train on time, so I couldn't really focus. Then on the train, I tried again. I felt asleep. Yea, I know. So much for meditation.

I had a good walk and a good nap though. Hearing his voice definitely calmed me down and helped me sleep. But I can't rely on it. We still haven't finished our conversations; we still haven't solved our problems; we still haven't figured out a way to communicate to each other.

Today, I am sad, happy, depressed, hopeful, and doubtful. Today, I am still an emotional mess. Today, I still hope he can open up to me and show that he care. Today, my hope gets a bit dimmer.

I know there is no use to say who's at fault. I know I shouldn't take all the blames. But I feel guilty to put him through this. If I have known that he is such a private person, I wouldn't have started any of this. Maybe I still would have since I am optimistic about the future. But not so much today. It really doesn't matter anymore.

We are here, no matter who started it, how we got here. We are here.

what the hell am I doing?

Unfortunately the blog I am writing after almost a year is another sad story. A different guy, but still the same sad story. Since I am taking my 2-weeks break from him(whatever that means) and I don't really have much to say to him anymore, I will just write to him here.

I don't know what to look forward to in this relationship, not the trip to Italy, not a road trip to the unknown, not a relaxing weekend full of outdoors and great food. I am more worried about when his parents gonna come up again, when is the next time she calls him, and basically when is the next time that I will feel I am selling myself short in this untold relationship.

I can understand work, I am doing it to protect his comfort and privacy; I can understand family, I am doing it so he can take his time to heal and reconnect with his parents; but I don't understand her. Why can't he tell me about her? Why am I shielded from his past? If I am OK with it, am I doing it to protect him from ME? from me being jealous? If there is nothing to hide, why would I be jealous of her?

I can't describe how disappointed I am right now. I am disappointed at him. I am even more disappointed at myself. Why did I accept all that? How can I let myself be treated like that? And most of all, why am I still waiting for his call?

Didn't I see enough, live enough, and hurt enough?

I don't know what's there to hold onto. A relationship that can't be shared? A relationship that keeps me doubting? A relationship that keeps me lonely?

Enough is enough.

Squeeze

Sometimes it's easier to love someone than to be loved.

Selfish

Today I just wanna love me and nobody else.

It doesn't matter anymore.

You keep on pushing, I keep on bending.

You know I will bend until I break.

Or maybe you don't and that's why you are still pushing me.

This is how it went

When I deleted your email, I said sorry. Yours made me smile first thing in the morning, but I know I shouldn't reply anymore. I am also tired of bugging my friends with the same question: should I talk to him? Because I know the answer, but I ask hoping they will say otherwise. They are my friends; they think the best for me, and it's about time that I do the right thing.

So everything I wanna say to you goes on my blog. Forget me.

Me

what an interesting past couple of weeks! I hope I come out of it with integrity, clarity, and positive outlook for the future.

Time and distance.

I got a plan :)